summer story

emo nemoooooo

fireproofpaperdoll — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:58:28 +0000

i’m here to pour out my inner most thoughts again. somehow i feel that this blog only registers sad and angsty posts. i don’t post when i’m happy. i feel sad for the blog that it’s an outlet for me to vent my frustrations. bah. whatever.

i’m looking at my commencement photos on fb now. time and time again, i refuse to face up to the fact that i have already graduated and that my academic life is over, the start of my working life has begun.
before i officially started work, i would tell ppl that i’m still a student when they ask what i was doing. only when they probe in further do i reveal that i have actually graduated.
everytime i mention that i have graduated, i feel immense sadness. i don’t know how to satisfactorily explain this but yes, i feel very very sad.
on my way to the ceremony, i passed by the places i frequent when i was still studying. i can’t help but feel so nostalgic and sad. i wish i could relive these 4 years again but know, as a matter of fact, it is impossible.

now that my graduation ceremony is over, i can’t deny anymore that i have officially graduated. commencement photo albums kept flooding my fb wall page and it’s hard not to admit to the fact that i have entered a new phase in life. sth that i never looked forward to. sth i have not prepared myself sufficiently for. sth that i still have not gotten used to.

frankly speaking, i really miss my student life, esp uni life. there are so much memories, happy and sad, which i really want to relive them again. yes, even sad memories. i really miss spending time with my friends and all the freedom i had when i was a student. i also miss student life because i generally disregard what the lecturers say and i do not have to be submissive to them, unlike at work. student life also tends to be more innocent and less backstabbing and this is sth i really miss, now that i’ve started work.

i’m not sure if i’m still not used to working life or there are other reasons to how i’m feeling now. i don’t really feel happy now. i work long hours. i hardly get enough rest. i don’t have enough time for friends and loved ones. i don’t have enough time for myself. i don’t even have time to read my books.

i generally feel sad for myself. it seems that working life equates to no life. i want to be happy again. i don’t know why i always feel sad. whatever.

fireproofpaperdoll — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:32:46 +0000

Do you know what’s worth fighting for?
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside,you’re in ruins
One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I …
When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last, you’re in ruins
One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I …
Did you try to live on your own?
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone
When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died,you’re in ruins
One, 21 Guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 Guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I …

too emotional. don’t read if you can’t take emotional stuff

fireproofpaperdoll — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 11:24:12 +0000

the ‘rational’ side of me says that i am physically and mentally tired now and these factors contribute greatly to me behaving ‘irrationally’. as a result, the content that i’m about to write now is going to be emotional and trashy.

my mood has not been really good lately due to work being messy. i hate it when i’m constantly anxious about outcomes and am unable to have a proper rest. i hate it even more when i receive news of bad outcomes and can’t do much to salvage the situation. currently, i’m in the latter situation, which honestly, sucks more than the former because i can’t even pin hopes on anything. i will do whatever i can to ask for opportunities tomorrow but i know that the door is already firmly shut for me. well, one last try with one last chance. it won’t hurt, will it?

nonetheless, i will embrace the bad outcome with grace and accept the cruel and cold hard fact of life – you can’t get everything you want in life. as cliche as it sounds, it is so damn true.

i am indulging myself in (useless) activities now as an attempt to divert my attention from the bad news i’ve received. it had worked for quite some time but it does not seem to be working now. tell me. what should i do?

in times like that, when i receive bad news or when i feel down, i can’t help but think that i’m very useless and that i have accomplished nothing to be proud of. it is also in times like that which i become more envious and jealous of people’s achievements. it is in times like that where, in my eyes, others’ achievements are magnified and beautified while my flaws are magnified but uglified. when these happen, my self-esteem takes a deep dip and i somehow feel ashamed of all the things i’ve done and the achievements i’ve realised.

see. told you this would be an emotional and what-the-hell post.

it seems that i’m wallowing in self pity but who doesn’t? at least mine is not here to stay. i just feel sad for myself that i don’t accomplish great things and people around me so such high flyers that i sometimes question my presence around them. i know people often say that everyone serves a different function in life and in this universe but why am i the one serving the less important functions and with such bad performance. now, one would argue with me saying that there’s no more important or less important functions in life, everything is linked and when one function defects, everything will malfunction too. i do not dispute this argument and i agree that the importance of functions in life is constructed by one’s perception and of course, socially construed. unfortunately, the function that i am serving is seen as less important in the society which i live in. i succumb to this trashy hierarchical nonsensical idea constructed by my society. i believe in this hierarchy and place myself on the lower end of it, as what the society would do. this is causing me some form of fleeting misery since this idea is deeply entrenched in where i live and it is difficult for me to escape from this societal discrimination.

i wish for better moments change to come. i really do.

fine. enough of emotional nonsense.

cramps

fireproofpaperdoll — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 07:09:52 +0000

i am having bad menstrual cramps now. it’s already the 3rd day and i was looking forward to less blood and negligible cramps but it doesn’t seem to be happening. i’m feeling faint and weak and i absolutely hate it because i’m incapable of doing the 1001 things that i want to accomplish.

i managed to struggle out of the house to catch Sherlock Holmes last night. i was pretty amazed that i could survive a late night show given the menstrual cramps. i like the show but it was quite dark and that dark part is something that i’m not quite fond of. i’m no pro film critic but i’m gonna list down some of my personal opinions. not too many as i’m still having cramps. damn.

first and foremost, expect the typical quick wits and sharp observations of Holmes. i mean what’s Sherlock Holmes without astute observations and logical reasoning. the film had Holmes picking up the finest details

ok. i succumbed to my cramps. i’ll do it another day perhaps. that’s if i still remember the details of the movie.

jude law rocks.

fun day

fireproofpaperdoll — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:51:58 +0000

i promised to post sth more positive and fun in one of my older posts. so here i am!

went out with a friend today. supposed to be an outing but it turned out to be a date. haha.
wondered around aimlessly in bugis and after taking some random pictures, we settled for a quick lunch at pastamania.
after which, we wondered around aimlessly again. then we decided to watch a movie, princess and the frog, at iluma since the shaw cinema doesn’t show princess and the frog. how could they!!
the cinema at iluma didn’t have any discount. that’s sad. i intended to pay only $6 for the show. that’s the price for students at cathay. i’m not sure about gv though.
had some time to kill before the show and we went to the arcade. had lotsa of fun playing photo puzzle and spot the difference. then we went to play this funny game. that is to throw balls at parts of the screen where the monsters appear. haha. my friend played another racing game and we ended up with a total of 93 coupons. woots. decided to exchange the coupons for a gift but there was nothing that required 90+ coupons. in the end, i exchanged 83 coupons for a mickey mouse pen. the other 10 coupons were forefeited because before we could exchange gifts, we had to make exchange the coupons for a receipt. so that receipt was exchanged for the pen. it’s a cute pen but using it in lectures is a bit embarassing. haha.

headed home after that. developed some photos and i’m gonne shop for photo frames tmr.

hairrrrrrr

fireproofpaperdoll — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:28:45 +0000

after letting my hair grow into a lion’s messy mane for about half a year, i went to get a trim two weeks ago. i’ve decided to keep my hair long so byebye to bob. however, i still feel that short hair is much more manageable and easier to maintain compared to long hair. short hair dries faster, requires less conditioner, makes my head feel light and does not make me sweat like mad.

but i miss the feeling of long hair sweeping my shoulders and the feeling of having a long ponytail makes me feel nostalgic. so now i’m gonna work hard at keeping my hair long and then i’ll curl them.

i know i’m very bo liao but i’ve been googling at celebrity hair styles. haha.

i love her bob cut! but i don’t have the guts to cut my hair so short. and i think it needs some blow drying to maintain the shape too. troublesome.

actually i want this hair style more than anything else. long bob. but my hair’s a little wavy and the ends will curl due to too much resting on my shoulders. rebonding is outta the question. no money and i’ve had enough chemical treatments to my hair.

maybe il’l get wavy shoulder length hair? i like the one for jessica biel. i know i just said no more chemical treatment but the only one i’ll subject my hair to is curls! hehe. but money’s still an issue. boo.

all time fav

fireproofpaperdoll — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:34:53 +0000

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn’t make things new
Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don’t ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cos I’d already know

More than words

this has gotta be my all time favourite song. i’ll melt if any guy strums the guitar and sings this for me.

boring post, like totally.

fireproofpaperdoll — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 07:23:01 +0000

i have been blog hopping lately and reading strangers’ blogs kind of amuses me. The demographic of the blogs i have been reading has a wide distribution but none of them are above 25 years old. Most of the blog owners are teenagers and when i say teenagers, i mean they are only 14 to 16 years old.

It is really interesting how these teenagers live their lives and how they perceive things. All, not most, of them are not from good schools and most of them are struggling to get pass secondary 2 level. Hoping to pass secondary 2 level was never in my mind as I have always thought that it is only normal, natural and sensible to pass. Not only at secondary 2 level but at any academic stage. In university, I do not even think of how I have to strive to pass but rather, how I need to slog to get good grades. Thus, I was quite appalled at their attitudes towards school work and their indulgence in leisure activities which I would label as meaningless, waste of time and totally unproductive. Especially when you have to commit much more time to your studies to make it through. The fleeting sense of happiness does not, at least to me, justify the activities they have been indulging. I am definitely NOT criticising them. I am just expressing how I feel about them. Different people have different utility functions. Theirs just deviate greatly from mine.

Another group of blog owners also do not come from good schools and are in the normal stream. Similarly, they are about 14-16 years old. This group of people differ greatly from the previous group in that they are not big time fashionistas and they do not hang out in big groups, smoking sheesha, taking neoprints, drawing eyeliners and wearing short skirts. They are very plain janes whom no one would take notice of. Sometimes, they give me a feeling that they lead a rather lonely life having to eat on their own at the foodcourt almost everyday, staying home to watch tv the whole day without correspondence with anyone else out of the house and it feels like their blog is their only best friend. However, they do try to make an effort in spicing up things on their blog, or so they think. They take pictures of themselves on the sbs bus, of what they eat for meals and even pictures of the coffee shop they were at. I don’t know why but sometimes i feel sorry for them. I feel sorry that they… I don’t know how to describe but I just feel sorry towards them.

Anyway, I’m just rambling nonsense. An utter boring post. Haha.

cold turkey

fireproofpaperdoll — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:34:53 +0000

i’m having the cold turkey effect now. i’m supposed to feel happy after the ordeal but i’m not. i don’t know why.

perhaps it’s due to something that has affected me quite a lot and i’m no where near to disclosing it here.

have been wanting to get lotsa stuff lately but i’m facing a tight budget constraint.
so many dresses online, so many cute shirts, cute la senza bras that are on sale, coach wristlet and a makeover.

but i’m never gonna lay my hands on any one of them because i’m trying to quit shopping.

in the meantime, i shall bask in the xmas atmosphere, relax and enjoy the festive season.

exam stress

fireproofpaperdoll — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:56:48 +0000

i had my first paper yesterday. it was pretty bad. i don’t feel like elaborating. it just makes me feel sadder. i couldn’t sleep well last night due to the post-paper trauma. i must get over it and move on. i still have other papers.

bought some sashimi from the japanese section at ntuc yesterday. a box of sashimi cost me 14bucks. it was not nice. kena cheated. haha.

just read eily’s blog and she said blogging about sad stuff will only makes oneself sadder. i realised my blog is full of rants. well, that wasn’t the sole purpose of having this blog but it was one of the purposes. haha. i will blog about more random and positive stuff amidst those never-ending rants i have.